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Gwyneth Paltrow Opposes Radical New Beauty Trend

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In a surprising move, Gwyneth Paltrow has come out in scathing criticism of a new “age-defying” beauty therapy, heralded by rival beauty company Mystique.

The self-appointed beauty pundit, known for endorsing many bizarre beauty treatments through her company Goop, said the new therapy “simply takes it way too far”, even for her.

The mega-star who has previously advocated for women to insert large egg-shaped stones into their vaginas or bathing in blood synthesised from orphans, says she has to draw the line at the new beauty trend.

In an exclusive interview, Karen Lauder, CEO of “Mystique”, defended her company’s treatment, touting it as “revolutionary”.

“We have done our scientific due diligence and found that the application of strips of labia to the face, neck and chest can provide unprecedented levels of hydration and rejuvenation to skin cells. It’s so effective we have seen patients ageing backwards 10 or more years. It even heals scars.”

However, Mystique’s scientific studies have shown that the quality of the labia is paramount to the success of the treatment.

“The science tells us that not all vulvas are created equal. Sadly, many women neglect their vaginas to such an extent that it is useless for our purposes.

“The fact that Gwyneth has been regularly steaming her vagina and storing rocks inside it, makes her an ideal donor for our new therapy. Her attention to her vagina has been, well, frankly unmatched in human civilisation.

“Gwyn is actually the only woman in the world equipped with a well-enough-maintained vagina for the de-ageing properties to take effect.”

When asked how Mystique’s science team discovered this, Karen was quick to defend the process.

“Now, I want to make it clear that we acquired bits of Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina through 100% legal means.

“The truth is every time she sits down hard on a leather couch, poses for a carefree Instagram photo on a tyre swing or attends a child’s bouncy castle, she leaves minuscule bits of labia tissue behind.

“We have collected and synthesised those for the purposes of genetic research, which has many legal precedents and protections. But I want to make it very clear: we would never start shipping a commercial product without the consent of the donor.

Legal issues aside, Karen and “Mystique” have begun promoting the therapy without waiting for the green light from Paltrow, leading some commentators to conclude that the campaign is designed to put pressure on Paltrow to make her labia available for synthesis.

“We’re hoping, as a strong advocate for making elite beauty therapies available to the common woman, Gwyn will make a sacrifice of her own flesh to help the masses achieve the kind of radiant beauty she enjoys.

“We are completely willing to stitch her vagina back together, free of charge, once we have synthesised enough labia to treat the large waiting list of customers that have already pre-ordered the therapy.

“She should notice no major difference once she heals, although she should probably avoid stuffing eggs up there for a couple of weeks.”

Despite Gwyneth’s initial public criticism of the therapy Karen is still waiting for a public response.

“She was negative in her public statements, but it wasn’t a hard no. I’d hate to disappoint all those pre-orders. We do have most of Goldie Hawn’s labia on ice as a backup, but we’re confident Gwyn will come round.

“Because, frankly, no one wants to put bits of Goldie Hawn’s vagina on their face.”

Harvey Poppington

Learned in all things, Harvey imparts wisdom and joy through the medium of the written word.

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